I'm not gay.

I was called tonight by some guy who thinks I'm gay. Well I'm not. Even if I'm so awesome you're crushing over me. Male genitalia are my number one turn off. I mean, honestly, how could I even be gay? I'm all tough, rugged, masculine, and interested in breasts. Nice, lucious breasts. So stop with the rumors, guys.

Good going, Nintendo!

Good going, Nintendo - deceiving us with your confusing use of timezones! Now we're all angry because we were pumped up and got no news! And we'll have to angrily wait until tomorrow, when (conveniently) Nintendo is also holding its conference.

You better announce what I want.
And no, it's not jiggle physics for Zero Suit Samus.


As well as me. In the game.




Okay, and maybe jiggle physics for Zero Suit Samus.

Attention Interested Girls with Very Large Breasts

Due to the very, very large response I have gotten in my request for girls with breasts that area C cup D cup (or higher) I am going to have to temporarily close any further submissions. I know all the ladies out there will be devastated by this, but my Ladies Office will be closed for renivations while I relocate all of my resources to R&D. Currently pondering how to take care of an entire army of undead skeleton men (grafting a chainsaw to my hand is currently not an option).

Sorry for any inconveniences that this may cause. I hope to have these skeletons killed as quickly as possible; all paranormal extermination inquiries will remain here until my current job is done.

Sincerely yours,
The Hunter I

The Long Lost Blog Entry

I've come to realize this blog entry will never be finished...I began writing it back in December but was asked to help harpoon a giant squid off the Pacific coast. Long story short, this bad boy has been sitting on my harddrive for some time. Well, here it is in only half-complete form. Enjoy!

---

"Hey guys, I know it's been a while. School has been a killer and I don't really want to talk about it. Also, my Thanksgiving was a little delayed as I had business to take care of…a little bit of a poltergeist problem. Anyway, though delayed, I have a top ten gifts list for Christmas 2006. And I know you're anxious to find out what the top ten gifts this year were, so read on!

10. Stargate
Stargate? SG-1, or the movie? I'm not talking TV, movies, or elaborate DVD box sets. I'm talking the real freaking thing. The Stargate is the tenth coolest item to get this year. Or to give, in some cases. Good luck actually finding one, since the government refuses to declassify them from "Science Fiction" to "real technology". Excluding that one bit in the early 90s. but that was quickly pulled from the air.



Honestly, who doesn't want to hop from planet to planet in an intergalactic wormhole. I mean, you don't get frequent flyer miles, but that's just a minor setback.

9. Gravity Gun

Who doesn't want to lift things like the good ol' Dr. Freeman? You can make anything into a weapon. Seriously! Better yet, you don't have to be an MIT graduate like Gordon to use it. It makes an awesome gift for anyone. Even grandma! Forget those lame grabber claws. The Gravity Gun is the wave of the future.

8. PS3

"Sporting a contemporary design with a silver metallic finish, this electronic grill's removable grill plates feature non-stick coating and 96 inches of cooking surface. The electric appliance's appeal lies in its simplicity and countertop convenience--not to mention its fat-fighting ability and bluray capability. The grill's 1-inch floating hinge adjusts to the thickness of food, while two drip trays catch the fat for healthier cooking. Meats and fish are the obvious choices for this Lean Mean Fat-Reducing Grilling Machine, but vegetables, veggie burgers, and tofu dogs work well too. The unit's oversized LED display provides easy readouts for the variable temperature control and timer, and because the grill is nonstick, cleanup is a snap. Through the built in WiFi connection access the online store to download new recipes and through the new Sixaxis™ controller, flipping burgers has never been easier before! Two drip trays and a specially designed spatula are included. The grill measures 17 by 7 by 14 inches. (Also available in a basic package)"

Need I say more? The Poultry-Stove 3. Oh…and I think it plays games. Or something. They sold like hotcakes (or hot grills!) on eBay.

7. Xbox 360

6. Little People Farm

5. Chuck Norris Tears

4. Solid Snake Bandanas

3. A velociraptor

2. Wii

1. Boobies


"

Yoseikan Budo - A Fan Letter Response

As many of you may know, I'm a practitioner of many martial arts and extreme sports skills that aid me well in my line of work. But it is not often I meet with someone who is also trained in a tiny fraction of the many skills I possess. Several months ago I received this letter from an apparent fan:

"Hi there,

Just wanted to extend an invitation to join a discussion blog for Yoseikan practitioners. The whole thing started when I wanted to see how many practitioners there were, at least on myspace, I'm pretty sure that there are quite a few.

This site is to share experience, training routines, who you train under, techniques, etc. So come join and bring some life into the group.

Thanks

Abel

[ Link Removed for Group's Safety ]


ps teach us how yoseikan budo has only heightened your vampire hunting skills and how our keen meditation skillZ have helped you understand the many conspiracies that government has against us..."

So I've finally gotten the chance to write back to your request, Abel.

Experience…aahh…I have too much experience to even know where to begin. My original interest in Yoseikan Budo began when I was overseas in Japan, hunting for Tsukumogami; particularly Chochinobake, a type of lantern ghost. This is where the story gets a little weird. I guess the amount of Electronic Smog (Wi-Fi signals, cell phone networks, etc.) in such a small area tangled rather unfavorably with some of my own PK training (at the time I'd been trying rather fiercely to surface some latent psychic powers.)

I thought I was making progress when I started getting migraines…I ended up having to visit the doctor's office.

The doctor looked me over and thought it was some sort of joke. He prescribed me some migraine medication and told me to take it easy. I insisted the source was psionic but he laughed it off. Of course, my parents wouldn't believe me. God.

Anyway, leaving the doctor's office I met up with Minoru Mochizuki. We began to chat and the subject turned to my martial arts abilities – I was already a blackbelt in Judo, and had become quite familiar with Aikido, Karate, and Katori Shinto Ryu. He ended up taking me in for some free lessons. I started following pretty regularly, and the next thing I knew…I was really becoming powerful.

That's basically all there is to my training. Mochizuki Sensei and I still keep regular contact (although you guys shouldn't know about that – or the cybernetic operation).

Later on I used my skills to take on a nosferatu named Kauskoff in a farm town just outside of where I live. It was great; he didn't even realize I was a master of Kyoe Randori. His form was awful. Let's just say the battle ended with someone getting staked through the heart, gagged with garlic and consecutively beheaded. And it wasn't me.

And that's all there is Abel. It's great to hear from a fan. If anyone else has questions, fan letters, or massive breasts feel free to drop me a message. And this time I'll totally try to answer it faster. Namely if you fall into the last category.

One Great Summer...

Hello curious citizens of America, it's me. The Hunter I. It's been a while, hasnt it? Well, I have a very, very good explanation for my absence. I've been on a bit of a vacation of sorts...except there wasn't much resting to be had. It all started in the beginning of July...

We had vacation plans to visit Washington DC. I was a little fearful of being so close to the Government's headquarters, but I finally agreed. After all, it's right by a lot of paranormal happenings. I'd like a goatman specimen, anyway. Please dont confuse him with Goatse. Moving along...

We stayed in an Embassy Suites in Alexandria, VA. The people there were less than happy to see me. Maybe because of my hair or maybe because of my aura of pure awesome. Either way, they seemed hormonal. And not in the good way. The hotel was pretty ritzy and the cook at the breakfast bar got really mad at me for requesting they fix the soda machine. Who seriously drinks orange juice for breakfast? Milk? Coffee? Mountain Dew is part of the Breakfast of Champions.

Also at the hotel was my good friend Jack Russel, Paleontologist/Author. He was actually in town to stop by Lab 7 at the Museum of Natural History. He hooked me up with some interesting stuff which I'll explain later. Also, I have reason to believe one of the lifeguards at the pool was a former member of the Nazi party.

The crazy thing is, though, quite unexpectedly, I was contacted by a group I'm not actually authorized to talk about here...well, call them Group X. They had an unusual Spectral Phenomenon. There seemed to be a ghost inhabiting a local area. Someone you're all familiar with. I'll let the picture speak for itself.

As you can see, I was able to capture the ghost on film. Unfortunately, there wasnt a lot I could do as far as exterminating a ghost goes. We tried pleasing it. Talking to it. We held a séance. Ouija board! Let me just say, Parker Brothers makes a really bad otherwordly-communication device. They eventually called in someone a little more knowledgeable on the subject.

I spent the rest of the day relaxing in my hotel room. I was really pooped, probably from all the ectoplasmic activity. I played Tales of Phantasia, if anyone is interested.

Well, I also got to see the sights of DC! You know, the Washington Monument. Lincoln Memorial. Uh...the war memorials. The White House. A bunch of guys trying to get you to join Scientology and giving out free personality tests.

I also saw war protestors. Oh, and the Mothman.

For some reason he showed up, and...Group X asked me if I'd help the settlement team. I agreed and we set out to stop him. It was really, really cool. I mean, how often do you get to shoot at the Mothman with a PSG-1? Very, very few.



I'm not actually authorized to tell you about what the negotiation said, but might I repeat myself? I got to shoot the friggin' Mothman.

Anyway, after my work on my field, they asked me to spend some time with them learning the trade. I couldnt pass! I ended up spending most of my summer there in training, but now I'm back home. And thats about all you guys need to know. I leave you with some great pictures.

Whale Week - Posers

There are two types of whales. The kick-ass baleen mouthed kind and the also-kick-ass toothed kind. Baleen is a sieve-like structure in the mouth of certain whales. They use this keratin-based structure to filter tiny, microscopic plankton from the water. Yes, the largest creatures on Earth stay alive by eating some of the tiniest. Toothed whales have rows of teeth. They're used for biting stuff. Like fish and squids. Also, they can use echolocation.

But what about, say...killer whales? I've got news - that's not a whale. Yeah, you heard me. Free Willy?

So never mistake a killer whale for a type of whale again. As for dolphins...*sigh*