Illegal Aliens

Okay, okay, so you probably expected this post to be about Mexicans. And you'll be surprised to find out...it's not. No, as much as I would like to rag on Mexicans and our country allowing them to work like slaves (did I mention that the real reason we guard the border is so we don't get any more chupacabras through?), I'm actually here to rag on....illegal aliens.

Now, you're probably thinking: "But The Hunter I...aliens aren't real!" And I will profusely laugh at you. Every year, thousands of aliens flock to our country. Many famous people you know are aliens. No, not Michael Jackson. He's an android. Elvis? He was an alien. John Candy? Buddy Holly? Gunpei Yokoi? Bruce Lee? Do you ever watch 'Even Stevens' on the Disney Channel?

So every year thousands of aliens come to our planet. Some immigrate legally. Some don't. They have to sneak across the border, currently defined as our atmosphere...for some, as long as they reach our soil they can't be sent back. Others are turned back to wherever they came from. For many, its a traumatic experience; some do not survive.

Unfortunately, not all that stay can be assigned to live in society with the rest of us. Many are forced to live in hiding because they're too big, or can't be restrained to a human shape. It's a real shame. Others simply have trouble getting real jobs. They turn to thievery and drugs. Over 90% of all hookers are aliens. Scary, huh? Your penis may have very well been in a vagina from another world. Possibly even a synthetic vagina; who knows what the cephalopod under all that over-applied makeup looks like.

It's funny. Aliens have brought us so many things. Many of them were in the sex market (synthetic vaginas, vibrators, hooker boots). But besides that, let's look at the other things aliens brought us. Did you know Ron Popeil was an alien? Graelian to be specific. Many of his amazing gadgets came from G'rael (simplified for the human tongue). To date, the highest percentage of alien immigrants come from G'rael. Even some of our STDs came from other worlds.

So the next time some lonely bald guy without friends is flipping your burger or you're banging a prostitute, remember: they could be from another freaking planet. And they deserve rights too. The right to live as an American. They just need to get here legally.